· Do not handfeed Gorillas. They prefer to eat cheesy potato chips with one hand while holding the unfortunate feeder in a chokehold with the other. If this is what you want, proceed with care.
· Ditto small monkeys. They are too excitable to handle extreme deliciousness. Therefore, processed cheese will instigate fits of screaming.
· All poultry should eat their cheese puff sideways, forming a T shape with their tiny noggin. If done correctly, the cheese puff should explode around the beak in a rain of salty particles. The chicken is then allowed to peck up debris in a fastidious fashion.
· It is unseemly to present a certified poodle breed with a lowbrow snack of any sort. However, if done correctly, the edible should be a cheesy fish or orange-colored cracker. The wafer is then placed directly on the canine tongue. Finally, the poodle should be verbally showered with abundant praise after mastication is complete.
· Lamas should be handfed cheese crackers while standing perpendicular and at an arm’s length from the animal subject. This technique allows for an unimpeded stream of camelid spit.
· Raccoons should not be handfed. Instead, they should be allowed to steal their preferred snack. The raccoon may rummage through neighborhood garbage cans and public picnic areas. After the raccoon hits paydirt or cheesy gold, a wicked, toothy smile should erupt across its masked face. This cheery-creepy mask does not always manifest. Without the expression, proceed directly to the final step. Lastly—and this is very important—the raccoon should eat standing on two feet as if it is playing the harmonica or scarfing a cob of corn. Crumb loss is inevitable. So, abandoning a whole bag of snacks for raccoons is recommended.
· Lions—both male and female—must be handfed, one nacho cheese triangle at a time. (Triangle snacks are considered by most cool cats, as the top of the junk food chain, especially by the Kings and Queens of jungle savanna) The royals must have many human subjects, as hands and fingers are sometimes accidental appetizers. This unplanned nourishment is thought of as a culinary privilege and should not be considered a poor reflection on the feeder.
· Cheese puffs can clog an Ant-Eaters snout, like hair in a shower drain. Proceed with care.
· You must hand feed Elephants one cheese puff at a time while humming a tune. Caution: Humming a circus tune is offensive.
· Small cats should be handfed cheese balls while wearing a feathered costume with bells on the arms and jingly sparkles. Otherwise, there is an inherent risk of feline boredom. Proceed with caution.
· Do not feed kangaroos. They will steal enormous amounts of processed edibles, collecting them in their pouch. Often, they will punch the feeder in the face.
· Ditto squirrels. They will cache snacks everywhere. It is a waste of delicious cheese as it will just rot and melt like fertilizer.
· Shorebirds and hawks will be allowed to regurgitate their fish-shaped crackers on a rotating basis.
· Foxes prefer to sniff out their snacks and abscond back to the privacy of their den. Humans don’t understand their snacking habits. Weird but true.
· Skunks are to be left alone. You may line up many types of snacks in forest or field, in all sizes and shapes, in a long row and allow skunks to discover them. They will scamper down the crunchy trail, choosing one or two flavors. This kind of feeding technique may not make sense, but creativity breeds disaster.
· Eagles should not be fed cheese snacks of any kind. It may seem like the quintessential American thing-to-do. But there is a little-known clause to the constitution: No eagles should ever eat processed cheese in any form. Amen.
P.S. This post is dedicated to S. T. from Hollow Kingdom. Crows like S. T. can eat as many Cheetos as they want, whenever they want. No restrictions. This list was inspired by Kira Jane Buxton's hilarious novel. Hollow Kingdom is a must read for animal lovers, and cheesy snack lovers too.
