Yule Be Sorry If You Don't Read This!

December brings inclement weather, malevolent spirits (in the form of alcohol), tacky decorations, advertising overload, spent wallets, grandma’s mystery pudding, and festive family gatherings where politics, religion, and covid dance awkwardly on every wagging tongue. Merry Christmas. :)

December ends with gifts and good tidings. There’s always a bright side, right?

On that note, I have good news: Neddy Games is giving away one Conspiracy Theory board game to a lucky Alien Tribune subscriber every month until my book launches sometime next year. Conspiracy Theory is easy, fun, and far-out. It’s affordable at around thirty bucks, but it still costs more than my future book. Hopefully, this will convince you that I am not a grinch. Still, I worry that you may think I have a screw loose. But I always worry about that.

In THE LEVITATION GAME, Dob-Dec (my curious and mischievous alien character), plays games that even Neil deGrasse Tyson might fail to win. So I’m kicking off the giveaways with a guessing game.

The first person to guess right wins the game. Guess wrong, and you are out of the running for December—maybe. If no one guesses correctly, I will still draw a winner from my responses. If no one responds to my newsletter at all, well, bah humbug. I suggest that you reread A Christmas Carol and rewatch The Grinch. 

Sound fun?

What is Dob-Dec’s favorite food?

• Sticky and delicious honey collected from imported (Amazon doesn’t deliver to Pleione) honeybees.
• Bovine meat grown from the beings tissue and DNA files.
• The roots of the exotic green orchid.
• Kapa seeds (native to planet Pleione) that pop and crunch like earthly popcorn.
• None of the above.

Sharon

P.S. Look to your inbox for my next newsletter on Monday, January 23rd. Happy Holidays and New Year!

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was 6. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” —Shirley Temple

P. P. S. If you're reading this here, you missed this month's giveaway. You'll need to subscribe to win at Sharon Wagner Books

 

News of the Weird: November Newsletter

My author photos, website, and book cover ripened sufficiently, but there are still many deplorables found in my book publishing and marketing basket. The worst deplorable so far: gaining email subscribers for my newsletter. I’ve found the job akin to herding cats inside a David Lynch movie produced by persnickety sudoku enthusiasts. Why is it so hard?

I decided to seek advice from David Lynch, surreal filmmaker extraordinaire. (His film credits include Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks if you’re unfamiliar) Here’s what he had to say: 😊

“Sharon, if you take away nothing else from our imaginary zoom correspondence, remember, when in doubt, talk backward.”

 “esaelP, lliw uoy ebircsbus ot ym liame tsil?”

“Perfect. Here’s another tip: use an insane soundtrack to keep potential subscribers on edge, unstable.”

“I’m not sure if that will help me, but I can try Nirvana or Metallica,” I replied.

“Great. Sarah, that’s your name, right? People like mystery. Tell people they may be signing up for a Sears credit card or your email list, but they won’t know which one—keep it mysterious.”

“Okay, Mr. Lynch.”

“Here’s another gem: when you ask for new subscribers, make your questioning extremely difficult to follow. Keep potential subscribers on their toes. Make the tone weird, bizarre even. You know, switch it up. I like to use the word, discomforting, to describe my approach, and maybe this feeling can help you too. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Mr. Lynch. I already feel slightly uncomfortable.”

“Good. Hey, Simone, I’ve got to go. I’m having lunch with an elephant and a coal miner. Goodbye.”

“This is going to be more difficult than I thought,” I whisper to no one in particular.

                                                                      ***

Now for some real-life November news. I finished my latest edit. Now, I wait. Meanwhile, I’m wearing a black pointy hat while working on my new novel, THE SAVANNAH BOOK OF SPELLS.

At some point, I must create the most compelling jacket copy for THE LEVITATION GAME to make my book intriguing enough to sell. Easy enough, right? Sigh. I have Minnesota author Peter Geye onboard for a blurb, and another Minnesota author, Joe Hart, has also agreed to give me a blurb. But only if he likes my story. Gulp. Fingers crossed! Check back for my next newsletter on December 19^th. Let the give-aways begin! But you can only win if your subscribe.

 

knahT uoy rof gnidaer!

Or in other words,

THANK YOU FOR READING!

I’m grateful for your attention.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Sharon

“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart.  

Subscribe at Sharon Wagner Books 

Giveaways start next month!

 

 

 

Creep Reading: Newsletter 2

 

 “There was a hand in the darkness, and it held a knife.” The opening line from The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman.

Books can be scary in more ways than one.

I’ve heard horror stories about novelists that received rejections in the mail with the word no scrawled across the manuscript in large, blood-red ink. The scariest thing that happened to me came into my inbox—a rejection. Lots of them. No ink, but it did stink!

Sharon tiptoed into the carnivorous room, her eyes adjusting to near blackness. In the center of the room, a small lamp illuminated a cluttered desk like a ghostly halo. Dusty books and loose paper, pencils, pens, and an assortment of abandoned coffee cups covered the desk, with a sacred laptop in the middle.

Sharon took another step, leaning to place a thick manilla envelope on top of the desk as if she were Bilbo Baggins discarding a gold ring into the fires of Mordor. “It’s done,” she whispered.

Something scampered in the dark; heels clicked; fabric chaffed. Sharon stood frozen.

There was a hand in the darkness, and it held a knife. Air whooshed toward Sharon’s face as the foreign hand lifted and slashed, sluicing and tearing. A loud thump emanated through the room like a heavy object heaved into a trash bin. It started snowing. She felt a flake melt on her cheek. Except, it wasn’t snow; it was a fresh tear. Tiny bits of animated paper floated, falling to the floor. Sharon stiffened, realizing the confetti was her prized manuscript stuffed inside the manilla envelope. Laughter erupted. “Your manuscript stinks,” said the literary agent before she swiveled on her heels, slamming the door.

Thank God I don’t have to worry about real-life query nightmares anymore! Real life is always scarier than fiction.

 This October, I’m painstakingly editing my manuscript before I hand it to my editor for more editing. Sigh. I’m applying the suggestions from my sensitivity read. Thank you, Veronica. The cover art is finished, and after countless revisions, I love it. Has there ever been a book cover in the history of the world that has a depiction—albeit small—of toilet paper? Being weird is a bonus for a writer. Plus, Ten16 Press added the title type, and it looks beautiful. I can’t wait to show and tell. My next newsletter should appear in your inbox on Monday, November 20.

Keep it, Gory!

Happy Halloween!

Sharon

“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” – L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

Don't forget to visit Sharon Wagner Books!

 

Death House: Newsletter 1

When I was a kid, I wrote a story called DEATH HOUSE. I remember sitting on the shaggy blue carpet of my bedroom, narrating the creepy story into a tape recorder, manifesting my best Edgar Allan Poe. I wasn’t alone. My friends surrounded me, emitting guttural, spooky sounds like a Hollywood seance. Thanks, Tammie, Barb, and Michelle. Little did I know how popular audiobooks would become. Alas, the tape recording went the way of my Which Witch Game, my high school class ring, and the poor Barbie that didn’t survive the dryer. Gone Girl. But something survived: my love of the supernatural. Eventually, my dad’s battle with Parkinson’s became the catalyst that put pen to paper after years of sad Poelessness. CHORUS OF CROWS unfolded. It’s the story of a retired farmer with Parkinson's and his difficult daughter, who battle mysterious and malevolent visitors, that may or may not be real. Write what you know works sometimes, and other times, you need to defy gravity, like with THE LEVITATION GAME. 😊 Writing a novel is one thing; publishing one is akin to pulling a bullet from your abdomen without anesthesia, like in old Western movies. Luckily, after many self-surgeries, Ten16 Press said yes! THE LEVITATION GAME will be an actual book, and it all started with my weird compulsion for the supernatural. I blame it on the Bermuda Triangle, Sasquatch, and Alien Autopsies. Now that my website is up and I’ve figured out my new blog, I’m conquering Mailerlite and newsletters. It turns out that it's handy to be able to illustrate my own book cover. :) Best of all, local author Peter Geye has agreed to give my book a sweet little blurb before it hits the press. Christine Brunkhorst of the Star Tribune said this about Peter Geye:  "If Geye is Minnesota's Thoreau, then his pond is a frozen lake." I love that line. Plus, I don't have to worry about negative Goodreads reviews for a long time. Gulp. "Any fear that I felt in presenting my first two books to the world was overcome by my dream of being an author." Kern Carter, author of Boys and Girls Screaming Sharon Wagner Books

 

Hooray!

Discover me at Sharon Wagner Books

 

Painted Words

 

The crowd goes mild.

😑(expressionless face) 

I'm talking about you, literary agents. Sigh. But that was yesterday. 

I haven't signed with an agent. Even so, I feel blessed. Gary Gilson wrote about me and my beloved words in the Minneapolis Star Tribune. You can read the article here!

Maybe someday I can report the crowd goes wild over my words - like this...

Dominicalito

Dominicalito

 

 Dominicalito Beach is not as infinite as Baru Beach and not as hang-ten as Dominical. It doesn’t have roaring caves like Ventenas, and it certainly doesn’t have a sweeping Whale's tail.

     Upon my first visit, I ditched my flip-flops and traversed the sand, walking left until I reached the rocky end. I looked around. Any thoughts of beach inferiority melted away. Years later, Dominicalito is still my favorite beach in Costa Rica; it is the beach I always visit first.

     When you reach the Marina on Dominicalito, a dramatic coast materializes. You can see jungle hills melting into the ocean and, beyond them, hazy blue mountains. Weathered fishing boats sit moored to the sand at low tide, but not for long. There is a flurry of fishing activity on Dominicalito, an ongoing mission to keep local bellies full of fish.

     However, even with all this activity, vultures still outnumber people. The ominous creatures are always close, waiting and watching, with a sinister vibe and a stinky, foul smell. Fish guts are a beach vulture's favorite typical plate. The ocean cleanses the gunk away. If you walk past the vultures and boats, you'll reach a tiered rock shelf at the end of the beach. You can navigate the rocks at low tide, and later, select a secluded tide pool for a mid-day dip. The pools will be shared with tiny fish. There is a magnificent dead tree lying prone at the end of the beach, with weathered arms reaching toward the sea. Climb the trunk, and for a moment in time, you'll be the figurehead of a ship, surveying your kingdom. Take a breath.

     At this point, you might as well hop down and walk to the other end of the beach. Be sure to take photos along the way. You may find an old boat abandoned on the sand, filled with nets and anchors, set against the vast coast, or a weird bone, leftover coconut, smooth stone, or seashell at your feet. At low tide, big rocks dot the sand like the surface of a chocolate chip cookie, and overhead, inaudible trails of pelicans skim the sky. If you time it right, you’ll witness an orange orb sinking into the sea. Sunsets are beautiful in Costa Rica.

     These are the images that I remember. I live in Minnesota, a land of lakes, farms, forests, seasons, and snow. The coldest thing on Dominicalito is the refreshing stream that meanders over countless pebbles until it reaches the ocean. I want to walk through life barefoot. That's why I always return to Costa Rica.

     But back to you. How many beaches have you explored? Have you walked Dominicalito yet? Take a break, park close, throw a blanket or chair in the shade, and watch the fishermen clean fish. Buy some pipas frias from a vendor behind the beach and drink. Stay long enough to watch the surfers at high tide. Leave only footprints.

    A day on Dominicalito is Pura Vida to me.

 

 Ballena Tales, my favorite travel magazine, published my Dominicalito article last March. I'm an author because it says so in print! 

Hooray!