Just how pretentious is a new restaurant in Minneapolis? A reviewer described the restaurant as “Covertly dressed in rags woven from baby alpacas.” What does that phrase even mean?
I’ve read restaurant reviews for as long as The Star Tribune has graced our doorstep, and I love good food and reading the newspaper. However, some establishments seem destined for an elite minority, and I’ve always laughed at the jargon used to describe them. How many fussy clients will pay big bucks to eat fancy turnips?
My book is like a new bistro or business, and I’ve always wondered how much people will pay to ingest my words. I see the world slanted, askew, and apart from others. So, when my alien neurons hurl words onto the page, will they even find an audience? Fancy restaurants must have the same problem. Books and food are both nourishing and subjective. Spam, lutefisk, and romance novels, I’m looking at you. To me, foie gras is like an encyclopedia, and I wouldn’t enjoy reading it. The jargon on the menu of fancy food halls can be just as alienating. Here are actual turns of phrase from the Star’s fancy restaurant review in the Variety section on March 31, 2024. If the following terms make you laugh, my book might be for you. (See my notes in italics)
*Turnips in a pool of bone marrow sauce. You thought I made that title up, didn’t you?
*Eel tartine that’s not slippery, muddy, or riddled with bones. It will haunt you with its deliciousness. (a few sentences later) The eel is almost as good as the smoked eel sandwich and a 25-dollar glass of G. Richomme Champagne I consumed in France. Snooty overload. Barf.
*The restaurant has exquisite foie gras with no livery alcoholic tang. Yum.
*The food celebrates the midpoint between plebeian and prosaic. What? I need Google.
*Acorn consommé
*Funky blood sausage
*Wild rice furikake No, I didn’t misspell this.
*Fishy and mushy octopus Bolognese
Dinner is served...
“Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them." ~ P.G. Wodehouse
I sent my book to the Little Charity Book Truck this month. https://www.
