Sanctions and Restrictions for Animal Consumption of Processed Cheese Snacks

These are real Christmas ornaments. I made them for a book contest and won. Plus, who doesn't love cheese puffs? Santa would gobble them up. Now, follow the rules...

~ Do not handfeed Gorillas. They prefer to eat cheesy potato chips with one hand while choking you with the other. If this is what you want, proceed with care.

~ Ditto small monkeys. They are too excitable to handle extreme deliciousness. Therefore, processed cheese will instigate fits of screaming.

~ All poultry should eat their cheese puff sideways, forming a T shape with their tiny noggin. If done correctly, the cheese puff should explode around the beak in a rain of salty particles. The chicken is then allowed to peck up debris in a fastidious fashion.

~ Presenting a certified poodle breed with a lowbrow snack is unseemly. However, If you must, the edible should be a cheesy fish or orange-colored cracker. The wafer is then placed directly on the canine tongue. Finally, after mastication is complete, the poodle should be verbally showered with abundant praise.

~ Lamas should be handfed cheese crackers while standing perpendicular and at arm’s length from the animal subject. This technique allows for an unimpeded stream of camelid spit projection.

~ Raccoons should not be handfed. Instead, they prefer to steal their snacks. You may allow the raccoon to rummage through neighborhood garbage cans and public picnic areas. After the raccoon hits paydirt or cheesy gold, a wicked, toothy smile should erupt across its masked face. This cheery-creepy mask does not always manifest. Without the expression, proceed directly to the final step. Lastly—and very important—the raccoon should eat standing on two feet as if playing a harmonica or scarfing a cob of corn. Crumb loss is inevitable. So, abandoning a whole bag of snacks for raccoons is recommended.

~ Lions must be handfed, one nacho cheese triangle at a time. (Triangle snacks are considered by most cool cats at the top of the junk food chain, especially by the Kings and Queens of Jungle Savanna) The royals must have many human subjects, as hands and fingers are sometimes accidental appetizers. This unplanned nourishment is a culinary privilege and should not be considered a poor reflection on the feeder.

~ Cheese puffs can clog an Ant-Eaters snout, like hair in a shower drain. Proceed with caution.

~ You must hand-feed Elephants one cheese puff at a time while humming a tune. But humming a circus tune is offensive.

~ Small cats should be handfed cheese balls while wearing feathered costumes with bells and jingly sparkles. Otherwise, there is an inherent risk of feline boredom. Proceed at your own risk.

~ Do not feed kangaroos. They will collect enormous amounts of processed edibles in their pouch. Often, they will punch the feeder in the face.

~ Ditto squirrels. They will cache snacks everywhere. It is a waste of delicious cheese as it will just rot and melt like fertilizer.

~ Shorebirds and hawks will be allowed to regurgitate their fish-shaped cheese crackers on a rotating basis.

~ Foxes prefer to sniff out their snacks and abscond back to the privacy of their den. Humans don’t understand their snacking habits. It’s weird but true.

~ Skunks are to be left alone. You may assemble many types of snacks in the forest or field, in all sizes and shapes, in a long row, and allow skunks to discover them. They will scamper down the crunchy trail, choosing one or two flavors. This feeding technique may not make sense, but creativity breeds disaster.

~ Eagles should not be fed cheese snacks of any kind. It may seem like the quintessential American thing to do. But the constitution has a little-known clause: No eagles should ever eat processed cheese. Amen.

On Friday, December 5th, discover me at the T.A.L.E.S. Reader Appreciation Event on Facebook. I'm giving away more books on Thanksgiving with another event at the Tattered Page Book Club. I have a Goodreads KDP giveaway underway, and best of all, an upcoming event at Books on Third in Naples, Florida. Spread the word! (See below) Plus, an author posted a YouTube video about me and my book. You can find it here. Whew, that's a lot. Thanks for reading. 

Did I write this goofy post because I was born in Wisconsin and I'm still a cheesehead? Perhaps. :) Happy Thanksgiving! And remember: "Cheese is milk's leap toward immortality." Clifton Fadiman

Books, conversation, freebies, and fun. I hope to see you at Books On Third in Naples, Florida! Books On Third Discover my author website! Read The Levitation Game!