Saturday, December 12, 2015

The Pitcher

I don't know anything about baseball, but bad pitches tickle my funny bone. I'm talking about literary pitches. I recently found a blog that has plenty of game in the pitch department. I ran across Ask the Agent - Night Thoughts about Books and Publishing  Well, I don't care when the secret agent does his best power thinking. Although, it sounds like he's a night owl. All I care about is that Andy Ross is an agent. An agent must have something useful to say, right? 

Andy Ross seems like he has a sense of humor. And from what I've learned so far about the difficulties of getting a book published, an aspiring writer must have a sense of humor. Or we'd end up sitting in a straight jacket staring at 4 walls covered from baseboards to popcorn ceiling in rejection letters. Andy humorously wrote in the above link about bad pitches in acquiring a literary agent. Just for fun, I created my own list. You can be the judge of whether these 4 forgotten book pitches are good or bad... 

1) This is an educational, non-fiction novel about 101 things you can do with cat fur. This is no filament of my imagination. But a thoroughly researched compilation of crafty follicle facts. The millions of potential readers (most of whom already own cats) will acquire new knowledge in what to do with the age old dilemma of cat fur disposal. Did you know that you can throw cat fur into the wind and a local bird might use it to feather their nest? I bet not. And there are 100 more where that came from. 

2)  This is a real pot boiler. Literally. After watching the movie Fatal Attraction, I was inspired to expand the current repertoire of well known things you can boil in a pot. It is a dark comedy. But could also be considered a cross genre in the foodie category. Eating local is so been there, done that. Boring! My book will explore eating everything you can find in your own backyard. Or your neighbors. And then some. 

3) This is a work place tell all to end all. A cubicle tradgicomedy that does not easily fit into the box. It is an Office Space meets Boxing Helena. A Revenge of the Nerds meets Horrible Bosses. A satire of a romance of a tragedy. This novel will bubble up around water coolers all over the world. It will be relate-able to the typical office drone, but with its cross genre possibilities, sales will blast through the roof! I've already sold the film rights to Hollywood. It will open on Casual Friday the 13th.

4) This is a Miss Piggy meets Christian Grey kind of story. A chocolate covered bacon yarn of epic proportions. A cross genre of erotic literature, romance and food porn. There has never been another novel like it! Famous Dave has already agreed to sell copies in select restaurants. But I don't want to seem like a complete ham about it. Readers will literally pig out on my book!

Got extra time on your hands? Grab a martian, (a martini to Jack in The Shining) take a seat at the bar and read my review of On Writing by Stephen King


DJan said...

OH, i like number 1. Number 4 is not too bad, either. I think either of them would be worth their weight in laugh tracks. :-)

Karl Jorgenson said...

For your amusement, I offer 'Fifty Shades of Prey', my short story, available on Amazon. Don't buy it, you'll only lose $1.07, but read the (fake) reviews and the pitch. My pen name for this project is 'John Sandfraud'.