Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Old School

"A lot of the other lads peaked when they were 15.  You don't ever want to peak at 15."

James Corden

Poor me. Poor Mrs. Pigface. Mrs. Pigface (her true identity will hopefully remain a mystery) was one of my unfortunate teachers in high school. She had enormous bosoms and would rest her weary arms on them during class. I never liked Mrs. Pigface, but after telling my mother of her many transgressions in the barnyard, my mother offered up a simple explanation...Mrs. Pigface worked hard. She was tired and cranky. She heaved her bosoms out of bed every morning and milked the cows. All of this before heading to school, to teach the likes of me. And what was I doing in class? Well, you guessed it. Defamation drawings. This drawing tickled my friend Barb so much that she still goes hog wild about it. Well, at least she remembers it. I found it recently while scouring the basement for an old book. I found my childhood scrap book instead. And this oldie was cut into a heart shape and lovingly glued inside. Poor Mrs. Pigface. And poor me.

Alas, nobody tagged and defamed me all over any bathroom stalls, or stuck loser sticky notes on my butt, or made me sit with the lunch ladies during lunch. But, I was a loser. I certainly wasn't a high school hero. I think everyone respected my talent for drawing pigs, but still, they didn't want a clumsy art geek on their basketball team. I was teased relentlessly. And, I didn't get invited to any cool parties. Well, I don't think there really were any Risky Business style blowouts back in the day, but if there were, I wasn't invited. And I wouldn't have wanted to see any of my male classmates in their under pants playing air guitar anyway. 

I ran across the above quote from James Corden. It's so true. That quote defines me. I was a late bloomer. I'm nearing my sell by date right now. During our class reunions, I couldn't peel one of my male class mates off me with a lint roller. He was all over this loser like powdered sugar on a beignet. And I was only half baked then. Now, I'm perfectly browned. Now, I feel like a prom queen without a prom. 

But Mrs. Pigface wasn't the only defamation discovery, I found these poor dudes too. I guess sticking a hand down your pants was the ultimate insult back in the day. The funny thing is that all my drawings actually look like their human counterparts! Sorry Jim, Mark and Jessy. But, you really were meanies.


Marie C said...

So funny. I used to draw pictures of beautiful women and all the boys in class loved my pictures. I also drew horses for my own enjoyment as well. But I didn't realize they were getting some kind of pre-pubescent thrill out of my drawings when I was doing them. Anyway, years after I was married, in a completely different state, I ran into one of those boys now adult, and it was a little embarrassing I think for both of us.

Ruth Rieckehoff said...

Oh so funny! In high school,I had a teacher who was obsessed with pigs (coincidence?). She used to wear pig shirts, necklaces and even earrings. So, I guess she wasn't ashamed of being associated with pigs.

DJan said...

OH, I loved this. It sure is fun to look back at our younger days. You didn't peak too early! :-)

Su-sieee! Mac said...

Your drawings are funny and awesome. I wonder how the real guys reacted to your drawing when they saw it, if they did. The ones who laugh are probably now okay guys. The other day I had to wear a snug lifejacket for a kayaking adventure. I kinda liked being able to rest my arms on my temporary ample bosom. Love the title of your novel. Crows are my friends. :-)

Linda Hensley said...

I definitely didn't peak at 15 either. Mrs. Pigface made me snort iced tea with laughing. One of the mothers at my school rested her arms on giant bosoms too. They must have had cast iron bras :)

Anonymous said...

Sedona I like to visit! It reminds me on UTAH with the desert climate and Red rocks! Still am getting used to your writing - it's such a different side of you than your blog! Anyways, many thanks for sharing this with SEASON - love your input! Have a great week and see you back soon!