Dear Friend...

Uff da Lutefisk.

My favorite saying when I'm exasperated.

I've been inundated with a boat load of spam mail lately. It's like I grew a trendy white beard, decided to wear red fat pants and moved to the north pole. In December. Do I look stupid? Or fat. Don't answer that. Now, the bottom feeders are even sending me google + requests. Like this...

Google+ (Stephen James) <replyto-70e36316@plus.google.com>	Aug 13 (9 days ago)
to jon.snow.conor

How did they know I'm a Game of Thrones Fan? You know nothing Jon Snow... Sigh. But for the most part, they're still following the typical scammer bank transfer handbook. This one has a lot of humorous touches. I enlarged the best parts in case you want to skim. But remember, after you read this, it will self destruct in 6 seconds...

Dear Friend

Greetings, my name is Mr. Yusuf Fatau, the account manager in charge of audit Foreign Remittance Unit, (BOA) Bank of Africa in Burkina Faso, It is true that we have not meet each other in person, but I strongly believe in trust and friendship in every business. As I am contacting you independently of my investigation and no one is informed of this communication. My reason for contacting you is to transfer an abandoned sum of $6 Million dollars immediately to your private account. The money has been here in our Bank lying dormant for years now without anybody coming for the claim of it.

The funds belong to our deceased Customer Mrs.Shannel Lake who perished along with her family since 9 years ago The Banking laws here does not allow such money to stay more than 10 years, that is the reason why I need your Cooperation in transferring the money to your bank account so that we can use it to secure the future of our both families because I don't want the money to be recalled to the bank treasury as unclaimed fund.

By indicating your interest I will send you the full details on how the business will be executed. Please keep this proposal as a top secret and delete if you are not interested.

My best regards.

Mr. Yusuf Fatau

But other spam pen pals try to pull at my heart strings. Grab your kleenex box and read this...

I need your help. 

I am writing this mail to you with heavy tears In my eyes and great sorrow in my heart, My Name is mrs catherine.thomas and I am contacting you from my country Tunisia I want to tell you this because I don't have any other option than to tell you as I was touched to open up to you, I married to Mr.ouedrago Brown who worked with Tunisia embassy in Burkina Faso for nine years before he died in the year 2009.We were married for eleven years without a child.

He died after a brief illness that lasted for only five days. Since his death I decided not to remarry, When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of US$ 8.5m (Eight Million Five hundred Thousand Dollars) in a bank in Ouagadougou the capital city of Burkina Faso in west Africa Presently this money is still in bank. He made this money available for exportation of Gold from Burkina Faso mining.

Recently, My Doctor told me that I would not last for the period of seven months due to cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to hand you over this money to take care of the less-privileged people, you will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here

I want you to take 30 Percent of the total money for your personal use While 70% of the money will go to charity, people in the street and helping the orphanage. I grew up as an Orphan and I don't have any body as my family member, just to end endeavor that the house of God is maintained. Am doing this so that God will forgive my sins and accept my soul because these sicknesses have suffered me so much.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank in Burkina Faso and I will also instruct the Bank Manger to issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of the money in the bank that is if you assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein.

Always reply to my alternative for security purposes ( mrscatherine.thomas@hotmail.com )

Hoping to receive your reply:

From mrs catherine.thomas

And don't even get me started on all the E.D. problems striking mankind. Or do. I need something to write about. Every darn day I get Erect on Demand mail with a curious vertical cucumber shouting hello. Hmmmm. Guess what I think about that?

Uff da Lutefisk!